Fear

In God I trust, I do not fear.  What can man do to me?  (Ps 56:12 NAB Revised)

This was initially written in mid-June when I was first told I had pulmonary hypertension.

There is an old psychology adage that defines FEAR as
False Evidence Appearing Real.   For me fear is almost paralyzing.  And I can be a champion at building scenarios that end with the worst possible outcome.

I remember when I was about 23 and living in Northwest Florida, my youngest sister who lived at home in Philadelphia and was about 9 at the time developed a strep throat.  Using my nursing knowledge I managed to extrapolate the following course of events:  strep throat leads to rheumatic fever which leads to rheumatic heart disease which leads to mitral valve disease which needs a mitral valve replacement which could fail and necessitate a heart transplant.  Fortunately my youngest sister is almost 50, happily married mother of three children, the eldest of which is in the Navy, the middle child in training for the Philadelphia police force and the youngest just graduating from high school on her way to college.

At this moment I am waiting for tomorrow for a doctor’s appointment where I will find out just how badly I have abused my lungs.  Yes, I am afraid.  I alternate between planning my own funeral and attempting to ignore the issue by playing mindless computer games.  In my heart I pray for some sort of strength to deal with what I will be told tomorrow.  The hymn “Be Not Afraid” runs through my head and I know it is my prayer…but I will confess I really dislike hearing it at funerals.  It is not on the list of potential hymns I have been contemplating to be played at my funeral.  In fact I think I will rise out of my casket to strangle anyone who should suggest it be sung at my funeral.

Jesus told his apostles, “Be not afraid.”  The late pope, Blessed John Paul II used that phrase constantly when talking to people.