Fear

In God I trust, I do not fear.  What can man do to me?  (Ps 56:12 NAB Revised)

This was initially written in mid-June when I was first told I had pulmonary hypertension.

There is an old psychology adage that defines FEAR as
False Evidence Appearing Real.   For me fear is almost paralyzing.  And I can be a champion at building scenarios that end with the worst possible outcome.

I remember when I was about 23 and living in Northwest Florida, my youngest sister who lived at home in Philadelphia and was about 9 at the time developed a strep throat.  Using my nursing knowledge I managed to extrapolate the following course of events:  strep throat leads to rheumatic fever which leads to rheumatic heart disease which leads to mitral valve disease which needs a mitral valve replacement which could fail and necessitate a heart transplant.  Fortunately my youngest sister is almost 50, happily married mother of three children, the eldest of which is in the Navy, the middle child in training for the Philadelphia police force and the youngest just graduating from high school on her way to college.

At this moment I am waiting for tomorrow for a doctor’s appointment where I will find out just how badly I have abused my lungs.  Yes, I am afraid.  I alternate between planning my own funeral and attempting to ignore the issue by playing mindless computer games.  In my heart I pray for some sort of strength to deal with what I will be told tomorrow.  The hymn “Be Not Afraid” runs through my head and I know it is my prayer…but I will confess I really dislike hearing it at funerals.  It is not on the list of potential hymns I have been contemplating to be played at my funeral.  In fact I think I will rise out of my casket to strangle anyone who should suggest it be sung at my funeral.

Jesus told his apostles, “Be not afraid.”  The late pope, Blessed John Paul II used that phrase constantly when talking to people. 

Morning Glories

For the sun comes up with its scorching heat and dries up the grass, its flower droops, and the beauty of its appearance vanishes. So will the rich person fade away in the midst of his pursuits. (James 1:11 NAB)

 Each morning on my daily walk, I cannot wait until I get to the top of the hill to see if the beautiful white morning glories are still in bloom. As I meander my way over to appreciate the details of this short-lived, delicate wild flower, the stately, skyline of houses in the background quickly brings me back to reality. I often feel a stomach-ache coming on when the materialism of my current lifestyle consumes my peripheral vision; large houses on each side and mine rising in the background. I’m not talking about nice, suburban homes.  I’m referring to oversized, unnecessary greed. Several verses from the book of James invade my thoughts:

The brother in lowly circumstances should take pride in his high standing, and the rich one in his lowliness, for he will pass away “like the flower of the field.” For the sun comes up with its scorching heat and dries up the grass, its flower droops, and the beauty of its appearance vanishes. So will the rich person fade away in the midst of his pursuits (James 1:9-11 NAB).

How did I ever allow myself to get so far from what is really important?  And how did truth slowly slip away until I could no longer identify it? I regret my years of chasing after the wind.  I’m thankful that God awakened my foolish pattern of life even though it has been through a stressful financial struggle-- one that I’m still battling. This may be what is meant by the phrase, “Hell is getting exactly what you wanted.”

While the process has been hard, even bitter at times, through much Bible study and prayer I’m finding my way back to the hidden treasures of life. Our house is for sale and we weekly evaluate where we are, but I have discovered that it is much easier to get into things than to get out. My husband and I have adopted a new mission statement that comes from Ecclesiastes (4:6 NAB): “Better is one handful with tranquility than two with toil and chasing after the wind!” I am not proud of where I am right now in life, but for whatever short time I have, I am asking God to guide me to “bloom where I am planted.”

Michele

Happy Anniversary

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body” NAB, Revised

Sixty-five years ago today an eighteen year old girl from Indiana married her twenty year old boyfriend at a small church in suburban Philadelphia.  Their love story started two years before when they met when he was a freshman at Notre Dame. 

 

It is really a funny story how they met.  The young man from Penn Valley, Pa had become friends with a local young man who played in a band.  The local boy invited the Notre Dame student to his house to listen to the band.  Somehow the young man spilled a soda and the local boy called one of his younger sisters to clean it up.  

Dad always talked about it being love at first sight.  Mom had beautiful auburn hair and a gorgeous figure.  One of Dad’s favorite stories was how when Mom worked the cafeteria line at Notre Dame she would pull out the best pieces of meat for Dad when he came through her line that included the biggest pork chop which was nothing but fat and gristle.  Of course Mom would counter with how Dad would take her out for Chinese food which she loved, professing to enjoy that type of food himself.  After they got married she didn’t get out for Chinese food until her daughters were old enough to take her out for it.

Together they had six daughters, all of whom have been successful in their chosen lives.  For fifty-five years they lived together, ran two businesses together.  They fought often, demonstrated their love for each other frequently.  The house was noisy, filled with laughing, singing, fighting all those things that make a family.  

We girls managed to surprise them on their Golden wedding anniversary.  We arranged for a special Mass where they renewed their marriage vows.  When the priest got to the part about accepting children he looked at the daughters and the grandchildren and simply said, “I guess you already have.”  They were a wonderful example of what marriage should be/could be if worked at.  

Dad died four months after their fifty-fifth anniversary and yet he has still been with us.  Mom passed away several years ago.  But today is the Feast of St. Anne and Joachim.  Both Mom and Dad carried a special devotion to Jesus’ grandparents and held fast to the belief that their devotion helped keep the marriage strong.  

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad.  And to my sisters who read this blog, we all miss them very much.

Eileen

Ten Minute Retreat

For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him (Colossians 1:16 NIV).

After having one child, I knew I was in over my head and something had to change. By the time I made it to number three, I understood that multitasking was a must for survival. By the time I had number five, I was a master at executing two or more jobs concurrently. While the chicken was frying, I was grabbing a load of laundry out of the dryer and starting the next. Since my job entailed hours of driving and transporting, I learned to spend driving time either yelling at kids, putting on makeup, eating, praying, or listening to audio books on how to raise these challenging children. I come by this non-stop, working behavior naturally as my mother never stops and even at eighty-seven she could run circles around most twenty year olds. 

My precious sister is also very skilled at handling several tasks at a time and for months, prior to my daughter’s wedding last summer, she came over to assist me around our house. The reception was at our home where the house and yard were in need of a major face-lift.  She helped me clean, paint, weed, and even power wash. Recently, she told me she was cleaning her house to get ready for a party she was having there. While I could never come close to reciprocating for all her hours of hard work, I was excited about offering a helping hand.

When I got there, she was about to get in the shower so I received a few instructions and started cleaning. The mop was drying on the back porch so I stepped out to grab it. When I turned to come back in, I found that I had locked myself out.  I had no cell phone, no car keys, no book to read and a perfectly clean yard and patio that were in zero need of work.

 Because my sister was in the shower, I knew she could not hear me for awhile, so I just sat. This was totally out my normal routine. After a moment, I decided this would be a good opportunity to pray and enjoy God’s handiwork.  I had considered a three day silent retreat over the summer, but it had not worked out.  So, I decided that since I had a moment, I would have a ten minute silent retreat with God. I was immediately ashamed at how I squashed God, the almighty Creator of the universe, into my multitasking, hectic lifestyle.

In that short ten minutes I enjoyed the beauty of the oak trees as they gracefully draped the backyard and driveway. I was intrigued at how the brightness of the kelly green grass had made such a drastic turnaround from the dingy browns of winter. A red bird dropped in for a momentary visit along with a dainty little squirrel who scampered along the fence line as if he had urgent business to tend to next door.  The sky was getting bluer as the rain from the night before was slowly soaking into the earth. God deserves my full attention and I highly recommend getting locked out of the house to enjoy his magnificent creation!

Michele

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Ivan

But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret.  And your Father who sees in secret will repay you. (Mt 6:6-7) NAB, Revised Edition

Many articles I have read about regular prayer and meditation strongly suggest that a person find a quiet place and do their prayers in the early morning.  I am not a morning person.  It usually takes two, possibly three cups of coffee to get me moving much to my husband’s consternation.  When our daughter was still in school I would have to get up to get her ready.  Sometimes I would go to Mass after I dropped her off.  In the years that I worked in Catholic parishes I could avail myself of frequent daily Mass either before work or better yet for me at lunch time.  

Now that I am retired I find it difficult to get to morning Mass and even more difficult to find time for my daily prayers.  Recently I remembered an article I read years ago by a priest who confessed he did his daily meditating laying down in bed.  Several weeks ago I adopted a similar technique.  Feeling very frustrated  about not having a quiet place all my own I marched into the bedroom and slammed the door, making it clear to husband, daughter and grandson that I did not wish to be disturbed.  I took with me my cell phone and the devotional book I attempt to use for prayer.  

After setting the timer on the cell phone for 35 minutes, I climbed into bed and began reading.  It did not take long for our big old yellow tom cat, Ivan to crawl into bed beside me.  Between Ivan  curled up beside me and my prayers I felt my frustration melt away. It is now my regular practice to go into my room about mid-morning for that half hour of prayer and Ivan is always beside me.  Husband and daughter have learned not to disturb me when that door is closed, it may take a little longer for the grandson who is just six to figure it out.  

A Matter of Attitude

Therefore, we who are receiving the unshakable kingdom should have gratitude, with which we should offer worship pleasing to God in reverence and awe. (Heb 12:28 NAB Revised)

Whether we are sick or healthy our attitudes are important to how we live.  Recently I have been contemplating actions I have been taking.  I have become increasingly negligent of my household chores.  It may have something to do with an attitude of sickness I have learned over the past few years.  This new century has brought me a series of medical problems, from an ankle fracture with multiple surgeries to deal with infections and the eventual removal of the hardware, through a quite complicated hysterectomy with colon surgery a few months later, and other orthopedic problems involving a bad shoulder.  Last year I spent close to a week in the hospital and a month flat on my back from an infection in one of my legs.  Now I am looking at more tests and unknown treatment for a possible lung problem.  I have finally realized I am developing the attitude of an invalid.  

While working as a parish nurse I visited two women whose attitudes sharply demonstrated how attitude can affect one’s life.  Mrs. A. had severe rheumatoid arthritis and was essentially wheelchair bound.  On my first visit I was appalled to find her struggling to make lunch for her thirty something year old son to take to work.  My thoughts ran something on the lines of how terrible the son was to make his mother hobble around when he was more than capable of making his own lunch.  Mrs. B. was quite the opposite.  She was essentially bedbound and had her family waiting on her hand and foot.  

As I got to know Mrs. A. I learned she was determined to stay active and cheerful.  She was excited about her son’s upcoming wedding, her grandchildren’s sports activities.  She was funny, sharp and I always left her house laughing.  On the contrary, visits to Mrs. B. can only be classified as downers.  She whined and complained constantly about her family, the church.  I had to force myself to visit her, especially after I found out from the doctor that she had literally put herself to bed.  She did not have any diagnosable medical condition.  

Reflecting on these two ladies, I have come to the conclusion that the positive attitude is preferable even in the face of debilitating medical problems.  One of the steps in the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius which has also been adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous is to develop and Attitude of Gratitude. 

More Than We Can Image

“Now to him who is able to accomplish far more than all we ask or imagine by the power at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20).

In my fifties, I decided to go back to school. My skills were minimal in my early twenties on my first go-round and clearly have gone downhill since.  A recent challenge came about with a demanding research paper. It had been a frustrating day so I greeted a break with open arms as it was time to go to church. I gladly bolted out the door.

 In the midst of the service I found myself praying, or perhaps, more appropriately, murmuring to God “…and why am I back to school? Many people are more capable:  younger; better writers; ones with memories.  I can’t even articulate myself properly!”  I turned my attention back to the service as I realized that everyone around me was reading. 

As I began to read along,  I heard the echoes of an elderly gentleman that was clearly beat -up by the years and what appeared to be a pretty devastating stroke. This man was stumbling over every word; proper diction was impossible but he was worshiping with all he had and was giving his heart and soul to God. 

My thoughts began to re-focus from my lack of ability to God’s abilities through us.  He’s not looking for perfection, only willing souls! The Bible is full of flawed humans that were willing.  Abraham was old, Moses stuttered, David was a murderer, Rahab was a prostitute, Isaiah was suicidal, Jonah was a coward, Paul was arrogant, and Peter was a liar. We, too, are human and lack perfection, but in Ephesians we are reminded that we can accomplish more than we can imagine with God’s power, “Now to him who is able to accomplish far more than all we ask or imagine by the power at work within us” (3:20).

Michele